10 things I hate about weddings

It’s late December, I’m tired and I still have five days left at work. Yep, it’s rant o’clock. If you are offended by swearing, then really this post is not for you (also: what are doing reading my blog?) So inspired by this amazing post on ranty girl’s blog, let me unleash on you:

The top 10 things I hate about weddings

1. Chair covers

I object to chair covers on principle. Why after years of seeing chairs in their natural form on my wedding day will my virgin brain (ha) scramble when confronted by the sight of an uncovered chair? Frankly, they are so many more attractive things to spend money on then tying a ribbon around a chair. Look I get it, venues often have unmatched chairs. But why is the onus on the couple to pay for chair covers and not the venue for having shitty chairs. Rise up brides and grooms, you don’t have to put up with this!

2. Wedding magazines and their buy everything mentality

If you read wedding magazines or in fact most magazines aimed at women, you will internalise a lot of tedious bullshit. Newly engaged me bought wedding magazines for three months before fleeing screaming into the blogosphere. I cracked after being driven into a panic because I did not have a signature perfume to wear on the day. Despite the fact, a) perfume makes me and b) HWSNBN sneeze. You see, magazines are primarily funded by advertising money and their not so secret mission is to entice you to buy all the things. And this will quickly drive you mad and broke. All you need is you, your true love, two witnesses and a place and person to marry you. That’s it. The rest, it’s just window dressing. Also see, this excellent post on

3. The bride being given away.

FUCK OFF with your outdated dark-age chauvinistic concepts. Whenever I tell people what we are/ are not doing and they don’t agree the standard retort is: ‘It’s traditional’.  So.Fucking.What. Yes, let’s keep living in caves, lynching black people and drinking Coca Cola laced with cocaine ‘cos it’s traditional. Translation traditional: happened once. Times changes, things move on. Traditions, darling, are made to be broken.

4. People who ask if they are invited

Why, why, why would you do that? If you are, you’ll get an invite. If not, all you are doing is sparking a squirm inducing moment, where the bride, (because they always ask the blooming bride, see below) has to explain that you’re not invited because of  a) money, b) venue limitations, or c) (yep, I’m going to be brutal here) we like other people more than we like you. Can’t you just hint like a normal person? (I’m joking, this is also grr inducing) Asking outright it’s just not very British.

5. The most important day of your life

Really? Reeeeeeeeeeeealllly? I call bullshit. More important than when I met HWSNBN? Or when, (far, far, far into the future) I have children. No, our wedding day will be a good day, a fun day (I hope) but the most important… nah.

6. ‘It’s your day’

No, you see it’s not. There’s another person involved and he’s kinda important. HWSNBN has many, many opinions on this whole wedding thing and he’s not shy about coming forward. I find the focus on the bride really sexist and disturbing. It’s our day, not just mine. And what’s with everything been labelled bride and groom. I’m a person not a role, please call me by my name.

7. Bridezilla backlash

I’m not talking about the people with personality disorders who appear on a popular TV programmes. I am talking about the label that is applied when a bride displays assertive behaviour. Yes, be polite but if you’re not getting what you want how are you being a Bridezilla by stating what you would like? As a very wise friend put it, navigating the choppy newly engaged waves can help you develop your assertiveness skills (hey Ros *waves*). The Bridezilla label has the undertone of ‘aaah women those hormones get to their tiny, tiny brains’ that fucks me right off.

8. Sudden religious conversion

We’ve all met them. The people who when engaged experience a sudden religious conversion and need, no, have to be married in the sight of god. Dudes: just be honest. You want to get married in a church because it looks good in the pictures, not because of worries about your immortal soul. On the converse, I’ve heard so many horror stories of churches getting very sniffy because of friends who have been married before. Church, really in this day and age can you afford to be picky? Let’s end the hypocrisy on both sides.

9. Throwing the bouquet

Ah, unmarried women let’s herd them into space and throw things at them (don’t get me started on brooch bouquets, ouch). Because being single isn’t hard enough? I’m kidding with this one, sort of. But I used to dread the bouquet toss before I was engaged. Once a bouquet landed in my arms and you have never seen me move faster away from something. My old gym teacher would have been proud and very stunned. And as a bride if I’m spending 100 quid on a bouquet, that baby is going to be in my hands til it’s a rotting mess of vegetation.

10. Bride you.

This makes me sad, more than angry. I’ve seen beautiful friends with short hair who start growing their hair for the wedding because it’s bridal. Or straight haired friends who curl their hair because that’s what you do. Or friends who decide they can/can’t do something because it’s not what brides do. Who says? I’m not saying don’t scrub up. But there’s a difference between polishing yourself and changing everything that makes you, well you. I want to walk down the aisle looking like a prettier version of me. So don’t change brides you’re perfect, just the way you are.

And one thing I used to hate about weddings but now don’t mind:

1. ‘What’s your theme?’

I was initially very scornful of themes when we first got engaged. ‘My theme is we’re getting married.’ I used to say. ‘Isn’t that enough?’ But: true confession time HWSNBN and I have a theme. All will be revealed shortly. But does having a theme mean I get thrown out of the bad brides club?

End rant/

Wow, I feel much better. OK, lovely folks, dish about all things about weddings you hate in the comments or all tell me how much you luurve chair covers. (Seriously: why?)

Today I am mostly thinking…

  • Woo hoo it’s Friday! Oh except its not (: Is there any feeling more horrible then waking up convinced for a few precious seconds it’s the almost the weekend before reality reasserts itself.
  • I’m so envious of jetsetting colleagues and friends who are going to Alabama and Turkey. Its been way too long since I’ve been outside the UK, however I am planning a holiday to the Lake District later this year. Yay?
  • Thank you Microsoft word for you help auto correction of my main antagonists name to Marshmallow. Although it does kinda take away from the whole evil thing to have it associated with puffy sugary goodness (unless your ghostbusters in which case yay!)
  • Loathing Lila off Dexter with ever fibre of my being. I’ve never met another English person who drawls in that weird upper class British way. In a cast of impeccable actors she alone stands out as, well, being a bit mediocre. Although she was almost redeemed by the ‘pardon my tits’ comment. And Debs bitching “She’s obviously a vampire. A gross, English titty vampire.” Touche.
  • Speaking of Dexter I really disliked the idea that Dexter would punch Doakes and obviously frame him. Up until now Dexter has been very smart. Why would he reveal his true colours to Doakes when he knows how fixated and tenacious Doakes is? Even if you buy the whole embrace the darkness path he has been on with Lila, being so reckless goes against the covert way he normally operates. Especially as it was a calculated move as opposed to a emotional act. It was an obvious move to further the plot, and completely went against his character. Rant over.
  • You can’t italicise full stops. I don’t know why this delights me but it really does 🙂
  • I really need to update the music on my ipod

Busy


I have been incredibly lazy on the blogging front. As I was starting to get over my ear infection (and get used to the mixed blessing of being able to hear again), I was struck down with flu. I couldn’t have planned it at a more unfortunate time various members of my team were off sick/had left/ or were on holiday so it was just me and an another member of the team in. Not good, especially as we had one of our big projects for proofing and another 30 page brochure. I marked up at home in a delirious state, but finally had to concede defeat and take to my bed.

Now I’m all better but struggling to juggle work, revision (for my theory test this Thursday eek!), and trying to hack my way through book revisions.

The theory test revison is not helped by the fact that the questions are so dull. I know whether or not I’m too close to the car in front how will knowing the exact stopping distance helping me seeing as I can’t visually judge 36 meters? But I persist and I’m quite enjoying the feeling of cramming facts in my brain which shows I’ve been out of formal education for far too long.

I’ve also got the biggest pile of book reviews to write, and I’ll try and get round to them soon.

Today I am mostly…

  • Wishing I lived in America so I could watch BSG season 4;
  • Telling everybody that there are 192 countries in the world if you don’t count Vatican City and Tibet. I don’t know many factoids but I sure get mileage out of the ones I do know;
  • Deaf in my left ear. I haven’t been able to hear since Sunday I’ve also got ear ache, nausea and dizziness, nice. The Boy is not sympathetic and accused me of being a hypochondriac! Rude. Just because I’ve been telling him that I have ear cancer/glue ear/ spiders eggs in there. I never should have read NHS direct;
  • Watching Gossip Girl. Its not the sharp and bitchy panacea I longed for but in my current illness addled state it will do pretty clothes and NY real estate porn;
  • Organising the image library at work. This means I get to play around with taxonomies and grapple with our increasing surreal image captioning;
  • Wondering whether my bank manager will hunt me down if I go on a shopping spree. I want clothes;
  • Mocking a colleague who lasted a measly three minutes without speaking an acronym;
  • Writing lazy blogposts like this one 🙂

Blah

The clocks going forward + the return of a five day week + Monday morning = does not an awake Rowan make.

To compensate for my extreme sleepiness I am listening to Lastfm very loudly (how much does lastfm rock? A radio station that adapts to your music preferences, yes please).

Other things I am loving in no particular order

  • seeing my friends. It was one of my best friend’s birthdays this weekend. There was pink wavers, balloons, angel cards, pink champagne, a gay and very not gay cat and a game of two lies and a truth in which we fruitlessly tried to find things we hadn’t already confessed to each other. All in all I have some of the funniest, sickest, loveliest friends in the world (but never the nicest :))
  • Blenio, if you are a Brightonian you must try this restaurant. Located close to seven dials its a European bistro set around intimate sized tables complete with fresh herbs, fruit and vegetables as a centre piece. The food is delicious my main was spinach and riccoti cake, potato rosti with cherry tomatoes and a rocket dressing. Yummy. The Boy had quail for his starter, followed by pork belly, and sticky toffee pudding for dessert. I had a chocolat tart with raspberry coulis and mascarpone. Even more entertaining was the two old ladies eating behind me who were having an edifying conversation about their sex lives.
  • TV wise I have been mostly watching: Gossip girl (trashy, bitchy brain candy), Reaper (slacker comedy you must indulge in for the oleaginous devil, and Sock who is my new TV best friend).
  • dressing up, I’m already planning my outfit for this weeks burlesque fun. I can’t wait
  • Word of the day: mendacious aka a posh way to say lying.

Half full, half empty?

I’ve been musing about whether my views of life, the universe, everything are reflected in the fiction I write. In real life I’m a optimistic person. I try my hardest to make the best out of things, to try, to have fun, and treasure those I love. I know that bad things happen to good people, that there is little correlation between virtue and a happy life. Sometimes tragedy comes out the sky, it strikes and there is very little you can do to prevent. So why worry? Instead focus on the good things in life, the things that you as an individual have control over.

As a writer I take great pleasure in being a god in my own self created universe. As such I want my good characters to have nice things happen to them and evil doers to be punished. Simple, non? Boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, they live happily ever after. Great for the characters as people, less interesting in narrative terms. Conflict drives the story. So I do horrible, horrendous things to my characters. I punish them. I give them what they want only to take it away or have it turn out that it wasn’t what they wanted after all. I am an old testament smotey god.

But the problems/conflicts are often, inevitably of the characters own making. Because although I do believe that sometimes bad situations happen to good people, it deepens the drama for me if the characters partially create and are responsible for their own downfall (think Macbeth whose cycle of violence springs relentlessly back on himself ‘I am so steeped in blood that, should I wade no more/ Returning is as difficult as going over to the other side’).

I like HEA (happy ever afters) but I need my characters to earn them. To grow and to change throughout the process of the books only then do they get their HEA.

Eight random things


So Easter rocks. Spent most of my time up in London visiting The Boys parents, meeting Indy (the cat), and dropped in on my family. It snowed for most of the weekend which made London look like Narnia. Even better, I got a extra day off on Thursday and I get extra day off tomorrow making five whole days off in total. Thank you lovely employer.

The delightful Rowan (the other one) tagged me to list eight random things about myself. So, very belatedly, here they are:

I hate brushing my hair (as any picture taken over the last couple of years proves.) I have very thick easily tangleable hair which eats combs which sends me into a Verucca Salt temper tantrum.. Also I am very indolent and combing hair is just too much effort. Helena Bonham Carter is my idol, not only does she embrace the birds nests, she makes it a statement and even has matching bird nested hubby Tim Burton. Fab! I am currently engaged in a life-long war of attrition with my mum where she vainly tries to stop me from looking like human version of what-a-mess. She is failing.

I have a tattoo (of a pentegram), a scar of a cats paws on my thigh, and have been pierced nine times (including two self piercings) but I only wear earrings now.

I won an award when I was 10 for a story about powder monkeys in the Napoleanic wars
. The story was my first unwitting attempt at slash fiction and depicted the ‘friendship’ between two boys. Twas a hearbreaking work of staggering genius (damn you Eggers!). I always loved the HoYay.

This is gross, I once had blisters so bad on my feet that my entire sole peeled off. The doctors took photos for medical journals and said it was the worst case of trench foot they had seen in this decade. To recreate this at home all you need is Soft feet+ speedwalking+ wet socks (from swimming)+ thick sport socks = trenchfoot. Even grosser it took two lessons for me to notice my shoes had filled up with blood.

I am obsessed with tennis. I’ve no idea why as 1)I’m completely dyspraxic, 2) I find most sports boring too watch 3) Up until the age of 15 I hated tennis too. I have been to Wimbeldon six times, Eastbourne three times, and Queens once. I have seen Steffi Graf, Andre Agassi (three times!), Mark Philippoussis, Tim Henman (three times (:), Pat Rafter, Lleyton Hewitt, Maria Sharapova, and Serena Williams play.

I used to act (badly). I have played Alice in Alice in Wonderland, The Caterpillar in the aforementioned play, The Fool in King Lear, a nurse, a fairy, a Lost Boy, Jasmine in Aladdin, Cinderella, and a nanny.

If I were a superhero my special power would be the ability to heal (ruling out any Rogue/Peter style powers which is just being greedy)

So tagging:
Ros A journey with no answers
Irayla Mingitas world
Go!