I’m getting married in the morning

So I might have mentioned this a couple of times before but I’m marrying HWSNBN tomorrow.

I felt OK earlier this week, while I had stuff to distract me: place cards, favours and jewellery, the list seemed endless. I still worried, of course but it was background noise drowned out by my preoccupation that I might Dawson cry/not cry at all. I wasn’t quite sure what would be worse.

Definitely crying. Dammit!

Then life bitch-slapped me with some much needed perspective. And I got over it.

Today my stomach with churning with nerves and for the last couple of days I’ve woken early unable to sleep. I’ve really enjoyed planning this wedding with HSWNBN, but I want to be married now. In a hour or two I’ll say goodbye to my boyfriend for the last time. I’ll spend the afternoon with my family. In the evening I’ll watch Robin Hood Prince of Thieves or Pride and Prejudice (depending on how long I have) and hydrate in preparation for Cryfest 2012. And in the morning I’ll get married. {Insert freak out here.}

I’ll see you on the other side.

8 things to do and see around Farnham

So, a couple of wedding guests have now asked me if I’ve got any tips on places they can visit before or after the wedding to make a long weekend. I lived in Farnham for thirteen years. I’ve been to Birdworld world (tip number 1) more times than I can count. If there is any vaguely entertaining thing to do in the surrounding area, I’ve done it. I’ve tried to feature a range of indoor and outdoor activities for all weathers and for all budgets (the last tip is free).

NB, might be worth checking all the websites to see if these places are open over the Bank Holiday as I am too lazy to do this for you, sorry.

1. If you like birds (and fish too), visit Birdworld

When I was a child no holiday weekend was complete without a trip to Birdworld and it’s sister site and my personal favourite Underwater world. Birdworld is on the outskirts of Farnham and plays host to Penguin beach (watch the penguins swoop underwater), owls just like in Harry Potter, parrots, and scary ostriches. If you have kids or if like me you just like petting strange animals def pay a visit to the Jenny Wren petting farm inside Birdworld to touch goats, rabbits and even a tiny horse!

2. If you like retro entertainment, visit the Hollycombe Working Steam Museum

Think steam trains, steam carousels and steam big wheels. Basically if you like steam  Hollycombe Working Steam Museum has it. Cool retro fun.

3. If you like swinging from trees, visit Alice Holt Forest

If you’re an adventurist than the Alice Holt Forest is for you. Not only does it host Go Ape where for medium-sized fee you can dangle from the trees miles off the ground. There are also bikes for hire, wildlife walks of varying intensity and plenty of kid friendly adventure playgrounds.

4. If you’re a fan of Pride and Prejudice (and if you’re not, why are you coming to my wedding?), visit Jane Austen’s House

Chawton was where Jane Austen spent the last 13 years of her life. The house has been perfectly perserved in its (tiny) historic beauty. I loved seeing her writing desk by the window where she would hide her writing beneath letters if guests arrived and know that here she wrote Persuasion and revised the great Pride and Prejudice. If you want tea and cake or something more substantial visit the lovely Cassandras Cup across the road, they even do gluten-free food.

5. If you’re a scientist visit Gilbert White’s House

Gilbert White is an amazing 18th century naturalist and his house is full of manuscripts and intricate drawings of his observations.  But when I think of visits to his house only one word comes to mind: tortoises!

6. If you’re a history buff visit Farnham Castle

Overlooking the town is the distinctive red brick of Farnham Castle. Built in 1138 AD by Henry de Bois, William the Conquerors grandson the castle has been continuously occupied for 900 years. It’s surrounded by 320-acre park, with great views over Farnham which we spent our teenage years getting drunk in and rolling down the hill. Fun times.

7. If you like beer, visit the Hogs Back Brewery

The Hogs Back Brewery  brews yummy real ales and offers tours of the brewery as well as a small shop stocked full of beer and beer related goods.

8. If you only go to one place on this list make it Waverley Abbey

Waverley Abbey is where HWSNBN proposed knowing that is my favourite place. The Abbey is actually the ruins of a Cistercian Abbey torn down by Henry VII and one of the most peaceful places I’ve ever been to. From the Abbey you can walk alongside the water meadows to Mother Ludlam’s cave which is full of bats. Most of all, it’s free. So there are no excuses. Go. Go now!

Farnhamites current and former, have I missed your favourite place? Tell me in the comments.

Wedding details, all the small things.

This week I emerged blinking into the light from my essay cave. My essays are (finally) done after not a small amount of blood, sweat and lots of tears. I’m not exaggerating one essay actually gave me a papercut, as if causing me deep rooted psychological damage wasn’t traumatic enough. If I wasn’t already in counselling, I would be after essay hell. But, it’s over and I can know turn my full attention to the other looming stressfest, the wedding!

I jest. After so long, now that the wedding is close I feel like I can finally begin to get excited. But I’ve got so many half- finished posts about the wedding and  a little over two weeks to go. In order to ease my blogging conscience, here’s is a bumper edition of all those little wedding details I never quite got round to blogging about.

Flowers

The flowers were easy. I saw the bouquet I wanted in a wedding magazine (back when I was reading wedding magazines). We went to the florist. They said they could make it. We ordered a trail buttonhole. It rocked. We booked them. The end.

A little boring? OK I wanted a hand tied, colourful, vintage bouquet full of fragant smelling herbs and flowers. Reading over that sentence again pre-wedding me would have no idea what I was going on about. My how times have changed.  I did briefly toy with the idea of a brooch bouquet back when I convinced that I had a inner DIY goddess waiting to get out. But I reasoned a) it would be as expensive as a floral bouquet, b) heavy so I couldn’t really throw it unless I wanted to brain my guests c) it wouldn’t smell of anything other than mental. Smell is so evocative. So that decided we got our florists to make a sample buttonhole and it was gorgeous, see:

When it come to the centrepieces our flower budget was minimal and it seemed a lot of money to spend on something that we would only enjoy for one day. So, we’re having pots of herbs on all of the tables instead, which my mum is tending like they are due for the Chelsea flower show. Afterwards they’ll form a mini herb patch in my parents back garden.

Dress fitting

My dress has been delivered and it fits! This is a MASSIVE relief as I was actually having nightmares about this. My dress fitting (and our first tasting more on that below) happened the week I got a stinking cold and had to deliver a presentation at University. It should have been so fun but I was trying to stop my brain falling out my nose and calculating the exact dose of Nurofen cold and flu to dose me up between catatonic and ridiculously manic. All I wanted to do was to retreat to bed and watch Come Dine with me. Instead I woke up, met with our photographer, venue then drove for an hour and half to Chichester to try on my dress.

So when I tried the dress on and it fitted, I had to restrain myself from bursting into tears in the shop. I blame my cold, not that fact that I am a massive sap that cries at the drop of a hat. They had to take it out slightly at the hips but in at the waist and boobs. Oh yeah, and chop about a foot off because I am a shortass. I also had the neckline altered because I am fusspot. But when I tried it on the second time it had suddenly become my dress and I could see myself gliding (not falling, never falling down the aisle). My parents are picking it up today and I will have to restrain myself from trying it on, again and again and again.  I love it so.

Tasting

So a couple of months before the wedding we were invited with our parents to a tasting at the Elvetham. There we got a chance to try three options from each course as well as much wine as we could glug. This was the bit HWSNBN was really looking forward to. I half expected to see the date ringed in his diary in thick red pen. If it had been any other week I would have been ridiculously excited too. Instead I was so sick and fazed, so I barely drank a thing. As neither of my parents-in-law drink and my mum is not a heavy drinker it was left to my dad and HWSNBN to taste the wine and, boy did they. So after much debate the wines were chosen and we moved on to the food.

It was gorgeous and given that I may be too fazed on the day to taste the most expensive meal I shall ever buy it was good to taste everything and finally find out what aubergine caviar is=yummy. To provide more of spread in the evening we’re having wedding cake instead of pudding. Sorry, wedding guests. But I can tell you that the pudding we are not having is yummy. By the time we got to pudding our manners had gone out of the window (I blame the wine) and everybody forgot what they had originally ordered which is how my dad ended up with a poached pear instead of the lemon tart he ordered. Dad has never really been a fan of puddings, the weirdo. So just as he was struggling to eat the last bite of his poached pear, the waitress emerged with a lemon tart. If the waitress had put that in front of me I would have fallen to my knees and kowtowed in gratitude. He looked as if somebody had put a poo on a plate in front of him. I am obviously am my mothers daughter. When we had finished giggling my mum and I split the lemon tart. And it was amazeballs.

Photography

We’re having the same photographer who shot HWSNBN’s sisters wedding. He has been an absolute dream to work for and I know he’ll get some great pictures. At our briefing meeting he called me one of the most organised brides he had ever met. Which I think might be a polite way of saying I’m a bridezilla. I blame the nurofen cold and flu.

HWSNBN and the case of the top hat and tails

HWSNBN has many talents, but dressing himself not one of them. You may remember his habit of wearing shorts and Prodigy t-shirts even in the snow. On our first date he turned up unshaven wearing a stained t shirt. In short, fashion not is his forte. To be frank HWSNBN is as out of place in a clothes shop as the bear above is in an office. So when we booked the appointment to go suit shopping, you guys, I was very, very worried.

So I was prepared for battle. My father, his father, best man, HWSNBN, his mum and I walked into the suit shop. It was a tiny, low ceiling place, crammed with endless variety of suits from tuxedo’s to full on tails. The two owners knew so much suits and with practised ease had HWSNBN stripped and into a variety of suits. We found the one and he looked so handsome. It took more time to find the perfect waistcoat to match the suit and then it was time for the dad’s and best man. In total it took little over an hour. So different from my own epic quest for the dress.

Cake

M n S’s finest. Next!

My first wedding nightmare

In which I dreamt that I was late and also lost for my own wedding. Thanks, subconscious. Also QUIT IT

The wedding stuff in my hall is breeding

Weddings things I have done but I cannot tell you about yet. Some of which I cannot even mention because they are TOP sekcrit as my inner 13 year old would say:

Stationery

Favours

Guest ‘book’

What’s still on the list? Oh, only a couple of small things like:

Hen and Stag do’s

This weekend. My little sister is organising mine and I know it’s going to be absolute carnage. I cannot wait!

The rings

We’re completely broke so we put this off and put it off. And now it’s just over a fortnight until the wedding and we have no rings and no money to buy them. Eeek. All I want is a plain wedding band but I think it’s probably going to be in silver. Its fine, I already have my gorgeous ring and I would marry him even if it was with a Haribo ring. Mmh Haribo ring.

The vows

This is my own fault as I insisted we write our own personalised vows. I am an idiot. So post hen and stag do we’ll be sitting down and writing something meaningful, goddamnit.

The minimoon

See above re broke. So dearest reader where can we go for a fiver and half a packet of pork scratchings?

Two weeks left. Eeeek!

Music sounds better with you

Is DJing my own wedding the worst idea I’ve ever had? Possibly, considering I have the musical taste of whelk who listens to Jeff Buckley. On repeat. Constantly. As evidenced by the fact that I’ve writing this blog since 2008 and have only just created a music tag for this post. HWSNBN has even worse taste in music than I do: if it isn’t Fischerspooner or the Prodigy, he won’t have heard of it. He likes his music loud and electronic with big beats, I like slow emo warbling. Ours will not be a marriage made in musical heaven.

Because of this music is not a huge priority. Once we’d done our final calculations we realised we simply could afford to pay 400 quid for a man to occassionally shout over some tracks that we chose and lot we didn’t (sorry, wedding DJ’s you know it’s true. At least the ones we can afford). Technically I suppose I am not actually DJing, I’m not going to hovering over the decks in a big white dress. Thanks to the magic of technology we’re compiling spotify playlists for the evening reception. I know what music we’re having for the ceremony, wedding breakfast and first dance but beyond that I’m stuck. HWSNBN’s best man is an amazingly talented singer songwriter and I will working on him (read bribing) to see if he will play a set or two in the evening. But beyond that there a four plus hours to fill and I am panicking a little lot.

This is why I need you dearest reader. Help a girl out. I’ve never ever done anything like this before and although I know what songs I like (See Buckley, Jeff) I’m not sure the rest of my guests will appreciate it. Originally we were planning to invite guests to bring ipods and give them 30 minutes slots but I was worried it would turn into some kind of open warfare or that nobody would So it would be great if you could give me:

Your favourite stand and sway song
Your dance til your ass falls off song
Your favourite drunkaroake song.

Any and all suggestions are welcome. But be warned if anybody mentions the chicken song in the comments I will exercize my bridezilla right to veto you. Consider this a mission of mercy, without your help my poor guests will be stuck listening to Jeff Buckley on repeat. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…

The final countdown

So a month today exactly HWSNBN and I will be walking back down the aisle as man and wife. It seems like no time at all that I was counting down from 200 days and only a little longer that we had over a year to go.

And I’m petrified. Not about marriage, I’ve never been more certain of anything as I am about marrying HWSNBN. But I’m so nervous about the wedding and the list of tasks still have to do which seems to be multiplying as the days dwindle.  Not to mention that I’ve got two essays due in within a fortnight. Getting married two weeks after University finishes, not my smartest idea!

I’m worried as the Queen of Klutziness I’ll fall flat on my face on my way down my aisle. I’ve always preferred watching from the sidelines than being the centre of attention and I can imagine that it might be hard to be inconspicuous on your wedding day. I swing between worrying that I’ll ugly cry all day to worrying that I not cry enough. Clearly I need a sanity check.

It’s just a day. An important day yes, but still just one day in a, hopefully, long and varied life. Once all the planning is (finally) done all I can do is focus on making sure it’s a good one.

The Hunger Games: film vs the book

(I thought I’d published this a month ago but I forgot to, so here it is.)

My name’s Rowan and I’m a middle age fangirl. In the past I have been obsessed with (in no particular order): Buffy the Vampire Slayer, My Little Ponies, L J Smith books, Jem and the Holograms, Veronica Mars, Around the World in 80 days, The Chronicles of Fire and Ice, and most recently the Hunger Games. I devoured the books in a New York minute and was ridiculously excited to see the movie adaption the weekend it opened with my fellow fangirl and our respective other halves. I really enjoyed the film and thought it was pretty amazing. Jennifer Lawrence has some huge shoes to fill by taking on the role of Katniss and boy did she deliver. In short, the film rocked. But was it better than the book? Let’s use science* to find out! It goes without saying but spoilers ahoy!

*completely biased opinion.

The film is better

Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence can act. I mean I knew this from Winter’s Bone but she is amazing as Katniss. It’s a tough role given how much of Katniss emotions are held behind a stoical façade, but the emotional intensity she bought without saying a word. Loved it! Furthermore she’s hardcore. I haven’t been this into a strong heroine since Buffy and Veronica Mars and you know how much I love them. The contrast between her open hostility towards her mother and the sweetness with which she mothers Prim showed you exactly why she would volunteer. In a scene that actually gave me goosebumps.  Girl is going to get an Oscar one day, you can count on it.

District 12 vs the Capitol

The contrast between the downtrodden Appalachian District 12 with its muted colours staffed with Deadwood extras and the vibrant, glossy, modern Rome design of the Capitol was brilliant. I can’t convey how odd characters like Effie Trinket with her bleached brows, oddly coloured wigs and oversized shoulders look in contrast to Peeta and Katniss. It’s a perfect visual representation of the fin di siecle atmosphere of Panem.

That’s my fancy dress costumes sorted for the year now

Although an honorary mention goes to Seneca Crane’s facial hair. It makes me long for perfectly crafted topiary beard of my own. Except that would be weird. Shine on tragic Seneca you crazy diamond. (I digress but it was only in this movie that I truly understood the cleverness of Collin’s allusions to ancient Rome. The director highlighted these parallels with Seneca’s final scene with the bowl full of nightlock berries recalling the end of his poetic namesake. Well played Gary Marshall)

Caesar Flickmann

I love Caesar Flickmann, I love Stanley Tucci. He’s the perfect actor for flashy, vacuous, but very good, at his job talk-show host. I loved the way the film used Caesar and his Mogadashu sidekick  (seriously look at that hair) as expostion bots explaining the tracker jackers, commenting on who had died and the change in the gamekeepers tactic. The book is quite claustrophobic with it’s narrow first person focus on Katniss and although I wished the film had been more in the style of the Truman show, where we see Panem citizens watching the action inside the Hunger Games, I did appreciate the widening of perspective we did get.

District 11 uprising

Which brings me on to the uprising in District 11 as they watch Katniss sing a dying Rue to sleep then cover her dead body in flowers a revolution breaks out. OK, they may have cut out the scene where they send the bread, weep. But it effectively demonstrates how small actions in the arena can have a huge effect.

The sponsor scenes

In the book they seemed the ultimate deux ex machina of authorial intent. Uh-oh Katniss has got hideously wounded send down some medicine from her sponsors/god/me the author But I minded it less in the book even if they did omit the scene where Katniss drugs Peeta to attend the feast at the cornucopia, where she can get medicine for him. Girl is cold and that’s why I love her.

The book was better

The ambivalence of Katniss and Peeta’s motivations

If I hadn’t read the books in the film I would assume that Katniss is actually falling for Peeta in the Hunger Games softens Collins satirical attack on reality show romances. I love in the book how mixed up Katniss’ feelings are for Peeta in her need for survival which contrasts completely to what she decides to do in Catching Fire. Also throughout the book she constantly doubts Peeta’s motivations: is he playing her for the cameras? Thereby justifying her actions. There seems no doubt in the film that Peeta loves Katniss, therefore the scene where we discover he has teams up with the Tributes is robbed from its power as we know he’s doing it for her. Unlike in the book where it casts real doubt on whether he was always pretending to love her? Only towards the end of the book do we realise that Peeta truly loves her in contrast to the film where it seems clear all along.  When Katniss reacts to the gamekeepers reversal on two tributes surviving, by drawing her knife of Peeta it makes her a much more complex and dark character than in the film. Effectively showing how much the games has warped her from the girl she was back in district 12

Violence

I reread the books before watching the movie and the descriptions aren’t actually that violent. However, because of the difference in medium your imagination can fill in the gaps in a book in a way it doesn’t do in the film. And my imagination, likes blood and lots of it. Look I get why they made this film an 12 so that it would make more money. But it’s a film about teenagers killing each other for our amusement. I think we need to vicariously get off on the violence but be simultaneously horrified by it to understand the attraction-repulsion felt by the Capitol vs the Districts. The camera style made it incredibly hard to see what was going on in the fight scenes. Also cutting moments like when Peeta defects to the darkside and finishes off the girl that started the fire to show he’s part of the Tributes (and also we later realise to protect Katniss makes him a much darker character in the book).

Haymitch

Sorry Woody Harrelson but book Haymitch with his bitterness and anger at the Capitol is so much better than film Haymitch. I was really sad they moved his entrance in the film to the train and opposed to IMHO in the book where during the drawing ceremony he falls up the steps drunk showing to the world and Katniss and Peeta the complete lack of help they have in the games. In the book the vehement dislike between him and Katniss is great and the way they come to uneasy understanding that are both unlikeable survivors is really strong. Here’s hoping they ramp up the rage for Catching Fire because I know Harrelson can rock that out.

Avox

In the book the Avox are servants in the Capitol who have had their voice box surgically removed so they are mute. Katniss recognises her Avox as a girl she saw on the run in the woods of District 12. They only appear in the background of the film which is a shame as I think they encapsulate that there are worst things than dying in the arena.

The mutts

In the books the mutts are creepy mutations with the faces of dead tributes. The ultimate horror for Peeta and Katniss is that they have to defeat the people they just killed. Like a real life version of those horrible dreams you have when you are trying to kill somebody and they just won’t die. In the book they are ‘magically’ generated creatures. I know the Capitol a monopoly on technology but why couldn’t the dogs have rised from the earth in cages instead of appearing like flickery magical apparitions. It really took me out of the film. Not to mention the effects are awful.

The camera style

The handheld filming style made me want to be sick. I mean, I get it the lack of budget meant that filming around the effects saved a lot of time and money. But before I got used to the filming style I spent the first ten minutes of the film trying not to puke into my popcorn. Not the ideal start.

Result

5 vs 6. You win this time book. But only just.

In short see the Hungers Games and read the book. They’re both brilliant.

Rowan rates/hates: TV and movies

Apologies for the radio silence. But this month I’ve mostly been working, reading, sleeping, working, reading, sleeping and working, writing essay and sleeping. Yep, my life is the epitome of glamour. Luckily the end is in sight as I only have to be chained to my desk for one more month til hand-in day. And then I can live again. Bliss.

Because of my limited brain power in my free time I’ve been watching a lot of TV and movies. Some I rate, some I hate. So here’s what I’ve mostly been watching this month:

WARNING SPOILERS BELOW.

Melancholia
What I thought this would be: in the run-up to a wedding a asterioid is spotted but everybody is more concerned with petty family drama then their impending doom.
What this actually is: a total snorefest. Hours of screentime are devoted to the wedding full of characters we never see again and then an asteroid arrives and everybody dies. We had so many questions. Why devote so much time to the wedding when its all about the asteroid? Why is every character so unrealistic and unlikeable? Why make Kristen Dunst strip but not the god that is Alex Skargaard? Unfair, much. Yes, it’s beautifully shot and well acted but the script and the slow ass editing meant this dragged for me. AVOID.

Yes, I’m unashamedly low brow but this looks much more interesting.

Mad Men
Don Draper’s back and he’s happy? And we’re finally getting into the swinging sixties and the civil unrest? And the clothes I am so there. The only sour note for is how Betty Draper is being written without any nuances to her character. What did January Jones do to the writers? Although I had a brief flirtation with Megan after a seminal (hur, hur, hur) performance of Zou Bisou Biso, girl is hawt, see:

Joan will always be my homegirl. Especially after she finally throws out her rapey husband.Team Joan 4eva. Especially if she might lend me her wardrobe…

Eat, Pray, Love
I’d listened to the audio book before I watched the movie, which probably didn’t help because the movie ripped out Gilbert’s voice and her insights into the cultures and countries she visits and left all the first world problems and Julia Roberts doing her best smug/sad face. Even Richard Jenkins selling the hell of out of the ashram confession scene and a very late showing from hot, rumpled Javier Bardem couldn’t save this movie for me. Read the book instead if only to mock the pretentiousness with friends.

Better Off Ted

I’m a massive Arrested Development fan and I’m so excited that they’re filming a TV show and a movie. I can’t wait for the return of the nevernude, the Frozen Banana Stand, Steve Holt, Ayun Yung, Loretta 2, ‘I’ve made a huge mistake’ and Motherboy. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go watch now!) Until it returns I’ll be watching Better Off Ted an amusing sitcom about an evil research and development corporation and the group of misfits that work for it, including my . My favourite episode so far, when the new high tech door sensors fail to recognise black employees the company hires white employees to follow them around. Ridiculously funny.

The Voice
I blame my best friend Debs for hooking me on this show. I am a sucker for reality tv so I try and avoid altogether because once I start watching I can’t stop (see: Cheaters, damn you Really!). But the Voice is the antidote to the Circus of Freaks on other talent shows by only featuring a) people who can actually sing and b) with a central conceit of blind auditions putting the voice at the centre  c) the fake look of delight as the judges turn and are satisfied and disappointed because they choose poorly. At end of this weeks show the hair on my arms stood up as Jaz Ellington sang and will.i.am looked like the cat that had got the cream. What a name, what a voice.

Game of Thrones
Second series of this fantasy show + adapted from an amazing series of books + by HBO + plus dragons = eeeeeeeeeeee!  The first series exceeded my expectations summarising mutiple complicated storylines. And the acting is impeccable Peter Dinklage as Tyrion steals ever scene he’s in and Sean Bean perfectly portrayed the noble stupidity of Ned Stark. Even unsympathic characters (Cersei, I’m looking at you) were painted in shades of grey. Although I will always hate Joffrey with the passion on a dying sun, grr.

Aah that’s better an endless gif of Joffrey being slapped.

I haven’t been this excited about a show in well, ever. Especially as I know what’s coming. Poor Tyrion! Three words: Battle of Blackwater. Oh yes, this is going to be freakin awesome.

Via Hipster Game of Thrones also check out Arrested Westeros I am a little in love with Tumblr can you tell?

Right so there’s the tv shows and movies I rate/hate, get the comments and tell me what else I should be watching and why?

Don’t settle.

I learnt a lot of things at University the first time around, but not the things they wanted me to learn: about postmodernism, Spain in the twenthieth century and epistolary novel. Nope at University I learnt far more valuable lessons like: never drink in the club, 102 pasta recipes, that baggy purple jumpers are not my friend, nothing good happens after 4am and, most importantly, why you should never settle.

I’ve talked before about my personal happiness mantras but I thought that ‘don’t settle’ was interesting enough to deserve its own post. It was a phrase coined by me and my awesome flatmate Sam at University. There was a certain type of girl at Uni: gorgeous, smart, kind. Basically the type of person who only exists to make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves. This perfect girl would introduce you to her boyfriend and Sam and I would like at each other like ‘Him, really? She’s totally settling’*

*Except not out loud we weren’t that bitchy and judgemental. Yet.

Because despite all the aforementioned amazing qualities that girl was terrified of being alone. We were younger then and I don’t think either of us knew about the particular kind of loneliness that comes when you are all alone in a relationship. But we knew then that relationships were tough enough when you loved that person. And you were settling, not willing to invest everything you had? You were so screwed.

So ‘Don’t settle’ was a mantra we whispered to each when either of us was tempted to give up on our dreams and aim for something for more comfortable. Settling was one of the worst things you can do. It meant aiming for mediocrity wasting you potential on people and opportunities you didn’t care for. ‘Don’t settle’ we whispered as we kissed frog after frog and jumped from crappy job to crappier job.

And I listened and I waited and I never settled for anything else but love. But in my career? Guilty…

In Steve Jobs Stanford commencement speech, which you should watch, he says:

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

But I did settle. True confession: I’m almost 30 and I have never had a job I loved. Growing up, I never wanted to be one of those people living for the weekend. But until this October, I was. I’ve had a lot of jobs: good, bad jobs and jobs so horrifically awful its almost funny. I was the klutziness waitress ever for a short-lived period where I thankfully avoided scalding anybody. I was a crappy PA, double-booking meetings like there was no tomorrow. I worked in supermarkets and libraries, with the police and beauticians. Until I finally got a job, in my dream field, publishing.

Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a writer. However, until I made it I needed to find a way to buy quills and other writing accoutrements. So I settled for the next best thing editing other people words by aiming for a job in publishing. It took me two years but when I finally got that dream job, albeit at a non fiction publishing house, I was ecstatic.

It took me two years to realise I was settling, 23 months longer than it should have done. I wanted to work in publishing so much I ignored that the commute exhausted me, the work bored /infuriated me, the pay was a pittance. In fact I hated everything except my colleagues who were lovely and saying I worked in publishing. Saying I worked in publishing made me feel like somebody and that brief blush of joy at achieving a lifelong goal almost made everything better. But then there was that other sensation like I was constantly holding a balloon after water, pushing myself to be something unnatural.  I ignored the signs and if it wasn’t for one thing I’d probably still be there: the boss from hell.

He still is the worst boss I’ve ever had: mercurial, selfish and mean and I thank him everyday. Because if he hadn’t been such a horrific example of a human being I would have settled. I would have sacrificed a large part of myself just so I could say I worked in publishing,  while everyday I died slowly inside. Instead I left for a better job where I stayed for years, colouring inside the lines not risking everything for another career as a  counsellor because I could not bear it if I hated that too.

Yes, I was an idiot and finally I faced my fears and took the plunge. Best decision ever. Thankfully, I love being a counsellor and I don’t have to cut off or ignore parts of myself to do it. I’m no longer settling. Best.feeling.ever. But here’s the thing I still feel guilty admitting. Much as I love working as a counsellor I don’t just want to do that. Saying that one job is not enough, it makes me feel greedy as if the world is a cake and I’m demanding the largest slice. I’m almost ashamed to admit how ambitious I am. But I want so much for myself and I’m not going to tear myself apart pretending that is not true. I won’t settle not anymore.

So I’m putting it out there. I want to be a counsellor.  I want write books. I want to blog. I want to be a good friend, wife, daughter and eventually mother. And I want to live a full life.  And I’m not going to apologise for wanting all those things and so much more. Here’s to having ambitions goals and never settling. What do you want?

Kissing you

Dear He Who Shall Not Be Named (HWSNBN),

I’ve had many kisses. Surprise kisses after spinning a bottle and kisses I’d been waiting for. Kisses in dingy clubs and on park benches. Butterfly kisses and kisses so brutal they drew blood. On rare occasions these kisses were passable, but mostly these kisses were bad, oh I’ve had so many bad kisses.

I’d never really seen the point of kissing until I met you, HWSNBN. But after kissing you I wanted to track down the people I kissed before and reassure them. ‘We just didn’t match in the kissing department. But one day, you random guy who kisses like a washing machine are going to find your kissing partner. She’s out there. And you slug kisser you will find the other piece of your freaky kissing puzzle. And she will blow your mind.’

I’ll never forget the first time you kissed me, HWSNBN. I’d been longing for you to kiss me for months. But I was older and jaded now and I knew better than to expect anything special. Romance novels lied with their descriptions of kisses inducing fireworks. Besides the setting was hardly romantic: a rammed and noisy club, full of jostling strangers. Then you lent down, kissed me and the world went away. It shrank until it was just the two of us. A bomb could have gone off and I wouldn’t have noticed I was so dazed. And then, all too soon, it was over. Everything looked sharper as if I was seeing clearly for the first time. I had to kiss you again to see if it still worked. And then again… and again.

Eight years later and I know I’m not always easy to be with. My darker negative side wonders why you put up with me but I’m learning to beat her into submission There have been great times and not so great times, however eight years on your kisses still make the world go away for me. I have no doubts that you were made just for me. So thank you for eights years of wonderful kisses. And as we embark on a new journey all I can wish for in this large and scary world is to spend the rest of my life kissing you,

Happy anniversary,

love, Rowan xxx

Confessions of a charity shop addict

Beautiful tin to add to my tin collection

I think I need to go cold turkey on the charity shops for a while. A week? Maybe two?

When it started I had it under control. I’d started seeing clients and realised that maybe I should invest in some new clothes so I could look more professional. Technically yes, I can counsels client wearing my day-job uniform of a Metallica t-shirt and ripped jeans. But that might give the impression that I specialised in heavy metal counselling. (Is that a thing? To Google! Nope, sadly ‘Learning to Love again with Help from the Insane Clown Posse’ will remain a product of my deranged brain.)

New clothes meant only one thing I would have to go shopping and I really HATE shopping. (As evidenced by the fact until now I’ve never had a shopping tag for this blog) I’ve never really had the body or the funds to be entirely comfortable anywhere near the seventh realm of hell that is the changing room. Even when I did have money burning a hole in my pocket there is something so dispiriting about going shopping and finding nothing to wear. Besides why shop when there were books, so many books to read? Because of the shopping-hatred I have clothes that I’ve been wearing since I was sixteen. This tells me too things firstly since I’m a little, OK, a lot bigger than when I was sixteen did I really wear tent sized clothes and think I looked good (Photo evidence tells me yes.) Secondly I should probably buy some newer clothes, like these:

  

(Apologies for the crappy photography, I had about ten minutes after work to take these before the light set and it really, really shows.)

There was only one problem: I have no money. I’ve taken a pay-cut to go back to university and any spare pennies I have go into the keep Rowan sane fund. (Translation: my personal counselling, which is a requirement of the course. But I like to think benefits society as a whole, as without counselling I get bitey.) Then I remembered that back when I was at University the first time around, I got the series of baggy unflattering jumpers I wore everyday from charity shops. So I took a stroll down George Street in Hove, or charity shop mecca and I became instantly hooked.

In between the granny nighties and endless worn copies of Jilly Coooper’s Riders like having to sort through an Aladdin’s cave full of weird and wondrous crap I found amazing tops like these for around three quid:

   

For a lot of people charity shops are full of musty clothes nobody else wants staffed by weird old ladies. But I’d forgotten how much I love charity shopping. like a lucky dip you’re never sure exactly what you’ll get and you had to shift through a lot of crap to find clothes you love like these two cardigans both under a fiver.

  

As well as restocking my wardrobe with cheap clothes I love the fact that I’m contributing to charity and doing my tiny bit in stopping the world from filling up with crap. So I scoured the charity shops in Hove, London Road and Kemp town looking for pretty things and learning some tips to make your charity shop experience a little easier. I’m all heart.

  

Top charity shop tips

Pick your area carefully. Does the area have a large student population? Expect teeny sizing and vibrant repurposed style. Grannies? Stock up on sensible outwear and amazing vintage handbags. Posh people? The clothes might be high end but the prices are too.

1. Avoid vintage

Charity shops aren’t stupid and have cottoned on to the fact that vintage is hot right now. So vintage has become a synonym for teeny sizes and big prices.

2. Be prepared to rummage

Some charity shops are organised by colour, creating an amazing rainbow look which I love. Or size, which is probably more useful. However they are organised you have to sieve through a lot of crap to find that Coast cardigan. On that note…

3. Be label conscious, but plump for what you like

It can be easy to get carried away as I was when I found a pair of purple hunter wellies in my size. I was heading for the tills until I realised a) I live in Hove not the countryside and b) I hate wellies, sticky plastic and uncomfortable soles.

4. Know your sizes

I never try things on. Changing rooms are a hell of their own making. So that means I know that I am officially slimmer in Marks and Spencers clothes than in New Look clothes and I have a good idea of what I’m searching for.

5. Prepare for disappointment

There are lot’s of almost-rights. The amazing sequinned dress that I would only be able to get my thigh in. The gorgeous billowing jade green top that almost makes me wish I could sew, almost.

6. Give it back

Do your bit by donating old clothes, books and junk back to your favourite charity shops.

7. Set a budget

This, as always was, where I ran into trouble. When I started I was very disciplined. I wouldn’t spend over a fiver and I allot myself ten pounds per trip to spend. I also banned buying any books or black clothes. However it was when having a quick browse and the lady working in the charity shop recognised me I knew I had a problem.

It was time for this charity shop addict to go cold turkey. At least until the stores have a chance to refresh their stock At least I went out on a high. Want to see my top find?

My top find: a Bravissimo dress

I’ve been lusting after a Bravissimo dress for years but at its cheapest it retails at over 50 quid and I could never justify it. Then I spotted a Bravissimo dress in purple (my favourite colour) in the British Heart Foundation shop on London road… and almost walked away. On the hanger the dress looks odd the waist bagging and bulging, but on, it’s absurdly flattering. The waist acting like a fake corset sucking me in, in all the right ways. It cost me a whole seven pounds (two pounds over budget) and was worth every penny.

Bargainlicious!

So tell me dearest readers what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever found in a charity shop?